Today I have been thinking a good deal about energy. Sometimes I feel enriched and enlivened, other times sluggish and apathetic, and although the quality of my diet goes up and down, and my exercise likewise, sometimes all is physically well in my world, and am still missing the vital spark.

I often have to do lists that could take weeks to complete but in reality, if I was properly motivated, usually only a day. So how does putting things off benefit me in the slightest?

Looking for reward upon completion of a task feels very childlike; finishing the task is not enough. As a child, whenever I did something like tidy my room, my Mum would come in and look so happy and give me lots of praise (she knew that I struggled with tidying up) and I would feel happy too. But thinking back, am not sure how much of my ‘happy’ actually stemmed from the completion of the task, it came from the happiness of another.

I guess a fair amount of what we do comes with external validation attached. Obvious things like good exam results and doing nice things for others are direct, then there are the indirect things like buying something new and receiving compliments. But a lot of things, like when I complete a whole bowl of washing up, goes entirely unrecognised. Except by me.

So completing a task does not feel quite as rewarding as perhaps it could. But perhaps I am looking for the unrealistic.

Motivation. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I very much don’t, sometimes I feel surprised by how much I can achieve and other times guilty by how much I just have not done. I don’t know if I have an answer for this, which means it is likely something deeper to address.

Map Point. What problems do I have that don’t have easy answers?

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