I have not written in years, life does the thing, and much is left behind, but to continue the cliche, sometimes in going back to what we used to love, we feel found.
The last five years of my life have been extraordinary in entirely average ways. In terms of my health, I received my diagnosis of autism. This was followed by regular therapy, trauma therapy, and finally sleep medication after realising that no amount of therapy was going to stop my brain from waking up asking if I would like to swing on a star at 3am (why always this time? On the dot?). I then received my ADHD diagnosis, and am currently involved process of balancing the drugs that keep me awake, keep me asleep. It has made me very aware of me, this feels, although likely isnt, new.
I was a quiet child, who would take deep and mischievous pleasure in hiding and surprising others, I would dress up, read.. spend hours in the bath reading until my toes turned wrinkly and the hot water needed topping up. I would spend hours staring out of my window at the trees, the birds, the sky. I would dance, and feel like a feather settling on a supernova. Very much alive and alone.
It’s easy for me to look back and remember the good things, and perhaps that’s how it should be. No one escapes the painful things and is too easy to sometimes look at others and imagine their perfect lives. No one has that, and it helps me to connect to the world remembering this.
So, since new year, I am taking better care of me, by remembering the things that I used to love to do and doing them (currently I have super wrinkly toes, but a top-up of hot water was not required.. that would require proper aqua-based stamina). I am reading again, taking photos, wearing clothes that arent pjs.. okay this last one should never have really been something that I have had to upgrade in my life, but have bought some fancy ass dresses, and today, without the usual holding pattern of three years in the wardrobe before I can contemplate transferral to body, I wore one. It has been in the wardrobe for a mere month, so with this in mind, things are clearly on the up! I have also finished my masters degree (awaiting marking.. ) and tomorrow, I might go feed some birds.
Map Point: Why did I choose to lose what I loved?