Whenever I finish writing a post, I always aware of how much I have not said, how much i wanted to include, but know that words printed on a page would never convey the totality of their sentiment. Never be quite enough. I also know that most people are deeply voyeuristic in regards to the suffering of others, we feed on it, offering a comparison to our own pain and faux shock.
But then, as am chronically predisposed to do, I overshare. I offer details that are too close, too intimate and always too much. Maybe it’s my asd, maybe it’s just me. Have been told on more than one occasion that my level of honesty can be brutal. But sometimes, in putting words into a fixed position on a page, I sugar-coat.
In a flow of conversation with a friend, like with my beach walk with Bethan this morning. I swear, I am verbose, I am graphically crude, there is no place I don’t feel inclined to go. In my friendships, this creates incredibly close bonds, and am often asked for advice or counsel. People generally know that truth is my logical standpoint. I am not so savage as not to realise when it isn’t appropriate, but, if something feels right to me, it generally leaves my mouth.
However.. put me in a social situation with more than one person, I am quiet as a mouse. At the weekend was sitting round a table with five other, genuinely lovely people, and I have nothing to offer. I feel isolated and alone. People who speak to me directly in these situations are literal, metaphorical, isomorphic angels of all that is well in the world. They grant me permission to speak which reconnects me and makes me feel welcome.
I accept that people have multiple personas, ones to most appropriately fit in with differing social situations, but perhaps less so for me. I find it tricky enough being me, without multiple variables! One of me is enough! But it always strikes me as strange that for me the biggest change is simply the volume of people I am around. I have online chat groups where I am the more talkative variant, but I find my silences hard.
Perhaps for me, as I have, developing many one on one friendships, as I have, gives me a sense of intimacy, of connection. In a group I never truly understand my place, but with one other person, they have made a choice to be around me, and that validation gives me words.
Map Point – How can I validate myself?