Pebble on the beach

Today was an average sort of day. I woke up feeling less tired than I have been this week, but not so fully energised that I woke up before my alarm. I engaged in my usual domesticity and went to work. On my way home I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, and I had no idea why.

They were not ‘almost tears of happy’. These I get quite a lot. A line in a play, a sentence in a book, the way the sun hits the glass and the rainbows and reflections that it makes. Some kind words from a friend. The world can be an awe happy place. But not this afternoon. This afternoon I was tumbling fast, whilst sitting in a cafe, eating cake that likely (definitely) had dairy in it (this sometimes poisons me a little) and drinking a cup of ginger and lemon infused tea.

It is a feeling that I recognise easily, logically I know that it will pass, but whilst it is present, this maelstrom engulfs every smallest piece of me. This would be the time where I could crack my head into a wall until I turn the wall to dust. But I don’t, I just feel terror after terror wash over me. I feel like an errant stone, laying ambiguously on a beach, waiting to be reclaimed by the waves.

I can talk, chat and smile whilst I feel this way, I may laugh and gesture easily, seeming softly at ease in my surroundings which I am. My surroundings are my familiar, reminding me that it is me who is changed and not them. I phone people up and have somewhat inane conversations just to keep holding on, to know that I do have connection. And then this first crash passes, and I slip into non.

From non comes tiredness, and a strong desire to sleep. I know that this too will pass. And then comes hunger, really big, hugely exciting hunger. I eat quickly to start (knowing that my brain will not register how full my stomach is for the first fifteen minutes) and then I pace myself until satiation arrives. And then I return.

Now I have energy, genuine light in my world, and I wonder what triggers these mad hours, these hours where I feel so incredibly distant from myself. I prod possible causes, have I eaten enough, slept well enough, am I putting myself under too much stress, is this an asd meltdown? Many questions all with easy answers, but as a cumulative whole? I don’t think that is so easy for me to understand. When do things get too much that suddenly all things become a problem? It would be incredibly useful to have an app on my body, reminding me that I need to recharge before I need a reboot. But until such technology exists I will continue to be secure in the knowledge, that whatever my mental state, I have many good people in my life. I am loved.

Map Point. Do I know when I should ask for help?

 

 

 

Post no. 95

My self-imposed mission was to write every day for a hundred days, which, until day ninety-four, was going really well! I am now shy by around a week’s worth of posts, which would have put me over my goal, but now my days of chaos are over, I can resume. This is really important to me, for so many reasons.

I have many reasons for wanting to write this blog. The first is this is what I love doing. I love to write. I get to be my authentic self in my blogs, no pretence, it is like having a truly non-judgemental friend who I can talk to. Sometimes writing is a catharsis, a quiet place to explore, analyse and ponder. Feeling connected to others, even if through the medium of the screen, tells me that my world is bigger.

The advent of master’s degree is approaching and writing every day was something of a test for me. I needed to know writing many words consistently was something that I could achieve. This has given me a strength, a determination that I wasn’t sure I had. It feels like a milestone in my life to realise that I am much more than I think.

So to the things that have kept me away. My volunteer work with my daughter’s school became crazy busy, and at the same time, everything else did too. My daytimes were spent in activity, and my night times were spent longing for my bed. I had no energy to create, no energy to simply be. I think this is important for me to reflect on. My energy reserves were being directed to an area that subtracted from every other. I was spent.

So now, I am back writing. I am relaxing back into the familiar. I feel energised by putting pen to paper. I am home.

Map Point. Why do I allow certain things to drain my energy?

 

My sparkle

Today I have been thinking a good deal about energy. Sometimes I feel enriched and enlivened, other times sluggish and apathetic, and although the quality of my diet goes up and down, and my exercise likewise, sometimes all is physically well in my world, and am still missing the vital spark.

I often have to do lists that could take weeks to complete but in reality, if I was properly motivated, usually only a day. So how does putting things off benefit me in the slightest?

Looking for reward upon completion of a task feels very childlike; finishing the task is not enough. As a child, whenever I did something like tidy my room, my Mum would come in and look so happy and give me lots of praise (she knew that I struggled with tidying up) and I would feel happy too. But thinking back, am not sure how much of my ‘happy’ actually stemmed from the completion of the task, it came from the happiness of another.

I guess a fair amount of what we do comes with external validation attached. Obvious things like good exam results and doing nice things for others are direct, then there are the indirect things like buying something new and receiving compliments. But a lot of things, like when I complete a whole bowl of washing up, goes entirely unrecognised. Except by me.

So completing a task does not feel quite as rewarding as perhaps it could. But perhaps I am looking for the unrealistic.

Motivation. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I very much don’t, sometimes I feel surprised by how much I can achieve and other times guilty by how much I just have not done. I don’t know if I have an answer for this, which means it is likely something deeper to address.

Map Point. What problems do I have that don’t have easy answers?