Misshapen days

Some days feel undeniably awkward. Nothing feels quite as it should. Things that I make taste good but there is something missing, and today feels like one of those days. I am not quite as connected as I usually am.

This morning was the last day of a short term job that I had. It felt quite exciting on some level, all of us clearing up the space at the end, but on another, the camaraderie, the funnies will now stop. And although it is a small loss, it is still an absence that I will now notice.

I was talking to Spidey earlier (not the one who can shoot web from his hands, somewhat disappointingly) and he was saying the exact same thing. Some days everything you touch just works out, almost without any effort whatsoever. And other days, whatever work you do, nothing feels to quite live up to your expectations, everything feels like additional effort.

I would like to offer something profound here. Perhaps something that would suggest that the misshapen days all build towards the days of brilliance and maybe they do. But it feels like more than that. It almost feels like a kind of expectation, a waiting area before the next breakthrough is made, before the next shiny moment arrives. And from this I can feel less awkward, less (please insert a word here that is an equally measured mixture of frustration, disappointment and possibility). I can feel hope.

Map Point. How does my today feel?

 

 

Inner peace

Anger. Out of all the emotions, this is one that I really struggle to express. I have got to be at the utter end of my tether before this one is ever likely to emerge, so far in my life, I have done this maybe five times. But clearly I am not a ball of rage rivalling the Hulk (though I have much mad love for the man of green), but the anger that I do feel has to go somewhere, and when I consider this, I can see massive areas of myself that I need to work on.

My lack of anger really only became apparent to me as a teenager, when I was small, I remember having full blown tantrums. As a teenager, this anger turned inwards and became anxiety and depression. I think at the time I knew I wasn’t feeling down, I was just not able to express the anger I felt. And during the gloriousness of being a teenager, there were very few things that didn’t inspire rage. I just never learnt to adequately convey my needs or boundaries. Maybe.

As a teenager, many of the arguments in my house were based around

1) The back of my bedroom chair was apparently not a place for dirty laundry.

2) Collecting cups in my room and waiting ’til things grow is not acceptable. Apparently.

3) Both Nirvana (Bleach) and Kate Bush (Anything) will sufficiently wind up the parental when played early in the morning. Actually at any time, but most specifically in the morning.

4) Touching the water immersion heating button. Utterly essential for a good afternoon spent reading in a continually hot bath. Utter hell if I forgot to turn it off after and the parental found it still on.

5) Fighting, or even pretending to fight, with my brother. We still do this. We still get shouted at. It is deliciously funny.

I have noticed how arguments develop with people over time, and rarely is what I am angry about anything to do with the words coming out of my mouth. I realised recently after feeling quite cross with someone, that what I was really expressing was not anger, but frustration, and this came from a place of love. And when this person is cross with me, it comes from the same place, a desire to help someone to achieve what they seem to be saying they want. If either of us could figure this out before the getting angry part, then that would be awesome.

I guess the reality is that no one can change anyone but themselves. It is easier to project onto others, to find fault with them, than it is to address the issues that we are clearly experiencing on a personal level. The problems of others only bother us if we can see the same issue in ourselves.

Map Point. How can I resolve what I am angry about?

 

My voice

I have often felt frustration with how I use my words. It is every time I wish I have said something to someone who has put me down, dismissed me because I do not register as important to them, and it creates utter frustration with myself. Why can’t I be the person who is okay to speak up, who is certain of themselves enough to believe that they are worth being heard?

Perhaps it is conditioning of being told to be quiet and not to question, of being made to feel annoying or stupid if I ever I did. School can be harsh in lots of ways. Perhaps it was being in a relationship for a long time with someone who continually spoke over me. I felt as if my words were worth nothing at all.

I was always a quiet child. School reports labelled me as ‘shy’ and ‘needing to come out of myself more’. But I think I was genuinely happy, functioning contently in my world of books, art and plastic bricks (still a massive Lego fan now). I didn’t particularly speak up for myself, but there mostly wasn’t a requirement for me to do so.

The strange thing is, friends have often commented on how strong I am, how well I meet the challenges that I am faced with, how it sometimes appears that there is nothing I cannot do. I have had people who I have not seen for some years telling me that I am almost unrecognisable (in a good way!) to the person they once knew. This creates a quandary.

I am clearly very attached to the person that I was and have kept the memory of that emotional place without realising quite how much I have changed. This feels like quite a big thing when I try and define who I am, I am using words that would have described a ‘past’ me and not the ‘present’ version.

Maybe we have to grow into the person who we actually are without carrying all this unnecessary weight. We all have our histories which have shaped up and brought us to the present moment. However some of the insecurities we have dropped along the way, even if we have not realised it. It would be truly wonderful to provide all long-term friends with a tick sheet once a year to somewhat more objectively chart our growth. But this isn’t necessary. It’s being realistic with our definitions. If I consider myself to be someone who is insecure in their words, then I need to be able to find recent examples within my life. If all the memories that are stirred are from years ago, then it is likely time to let that definition go.

Map Point. Am I the person I think I am?