Little tears of happy

Yesterday I took part in a mother and daughter yoga class. It was run by a woman who taught my young one ‘baby yoga’ when she was small. It felt strange to go back to something that we had not taken part in for such a long time, and also incredibly powerful, for many reasons.

When young one was small we went to lots of classes. We did baby sign language, music classes and we also went to yoga. I loved the stories that Caroline (the yoga teacher) told the children. They were magical and offered the little ones a quiet space, which is something that I think is genuinely overlooked. I think that I find it easy to forget the need for peace sometimes.

And then I think about how that is linked to my body. I know that I have time when I supposedly relax before going to sleep at night, and sometimes this happens. More often I go to bed just before exhaustion kicks in, which does not make for the sleep of angels. Or babies. Or something that is generally perceived to sleep well. Last night I slept really well. And I think that taking the time to actively relax during the day really helped with this. But back to the class. It was in the time at the end of the class after we had all laid on our mats with little lavender bags over our eyes and little blankets on our bodies to make us feel extra snuggly (lets not even go to the block to support our heads and the bolster for under our knees.. yoga folks are seriously into the comfy!), and the meditation started to play. I then had a moment of clarity. I had not felt this relaxed for such a long time, and to have had this time with my daughter, this utterly chilled time felt like a privilege. When I sat up, I was very much aware that my face was getting wet. Not the sort of tears that require contraction of facial muscles, but that sort that spill out unbidden.

In recent times this has happened to me a lot during moments of gratitude. I suddenly feel my eyes producing tears and am taking this as a good thing. I talk a good deal about feeling appreciation for the things that I have in my life and feeling this connected, makes me feel more me. But is it also an overwhelming experience that I need to learn to embrace. It makes me feel beautiful.

Map Point. What makes me beautiful?

 

Promising me

A couple of nights ago, I had a moment of clarity, my prevailing thought was ‘I think of myself as unassuming, but in reality, I am anything but’. I think of myself as quiet, as unobtrusive. Maybe this is my way of trying to negate myself. Maybe this is me remembering who I thought that I was.

I am clearly very attached to the person that I was. I have kept the familiarity of that emotional place without realising quite how much I have changed. I know that I do express myself more authentically now, so I think it’s likely time to change my mindset. Make my headspace match what is actually happening in my reality.

I don’t dress particularly wildly, but I guess to a degree I am developing my own style. Knee high socks are a recurring feature as are knee length skirts. Vest tops are still worn well into winter. The last one I have become somewhat infamous for. I am also proud of my selection of coats, but these are rarely seen owing to the vest tops in November thing but know that I do have some truly fabulous items of outerwear. But it isn’t that my physical appearance has changed so massively. It’s that I now have a passion for my clothing choices.

I am also a quiet person. Usually, my headspace feels like a storage facility for filing that has just experienced a small localised hurricane. But I am not always quiet. I know that I still don’t speak so much and find it hard to compete to make my voice heard. But I am more okay with this now. If people value me, they will allow me space to find my words. And if not, I am good with that too.

I recognise my own strength so much more now. It’s strange to feel comfortable being me. It can be hard for me to see any value that others place in me, but I am improving. I am promising myself that.

Map Point. What am I scared to show others?