Connection part one

This is a thank you. I spend a lot of my time flitting from one place to another, seeing many different people, and sometimes, it feels important to acknowledge how amazing the people and places around me actually are. Here are three.

My friend Laurel. Everyone should have Laurel as a friend. I can’t imagine a situation where she wouldn’t fit in seamlessly. She has the most glorious way of making me feel at ease and she is fountain of possibility. She searches for the new, have often referred to her as ‘David Bowie’ insofar as she is always ahead of the trend, with a slightly mysticism surrounding her. She is currently going through some hard things, yet she remains pragmatic and still looks for opportunity. Thank you for the way you explore the world, it allows me to do likewise.

The beach. I live a short walk to a beautiful beach, my own little bit of the horizon. It feels endless when I look out to sea, as if there is an infinity to be discovered. I love seeing the world as this creative and magical place. And walking with my toes pressing through the water’s edge sand gives me such an incredible sense of connection, such a conduit to everything else.

My friend Will. Will has been in my sphere for a couple of years, directly and indirectly, and I have never come across a more gifted story teller. He spins and weaves his words how I imagine a bird takes flight, utterly precise, with the spontaneity of instinct.

People want a way to share experiences, a way to connect, to others and to the world. For me, by writing these words and having people read them, I realise I am not alone.

Map Point. How do I connect?

 

 

My voice

I have often felt frustration with how I use my words. It is every time I wish I have said something to someone who has put me down, dismissed me because I do not register as important to them, and it creates utter frustration with myself. Why can’t I be the person who is okay to speak up, who is certain of themselves enough to believe that they are worth being heard?

Perhaps it is conditioning of being told to be quiet and not to question, of being made to feel annoying or stupid if I ever I did. School can be harsh in lots of ways. Perhaps it was being in a relationship for a long time with someone who continually spoke over me. I felt as if my words were worth nothing at all.

I was always a quiet child. School reports labelled me as ‘shy’ and ‘needing to come out of myself more’. But I think I was genuinely happy, functioning contently in my world of books, art and plastic bricks (still a massive Lego fan now). I didn’t particularly speak up for myself, but there mostly wasn’t a requirement for me to do so.

The strange thing is, friends have often commented on how strong I am, how well I meet the challenges that I am faced with, how it sometimes appears that there is nothing I cannot do. I have had people who I have not seen for some years telling me that I am almost unrecognisable (in a good way!) to the person they once knew. This creates a quandary.

I am clearly very attached to the person that I was and have kept the memory of that emotional place without realising quite how much I have changed. This feels like quite a big thing when I try and define who I am, I am using words that would have described a ‘past’ me and not the ‘present’ version.

Maybe we have to grow into the person who we actually are without carrying all this unnecessary weight. We all have our histories which have shaped up and brought us to the present moment. However some of the insecurities we have dropped along the way, even if we have not realised it. It would be truly wonderful to provide all long-term friends with a tick sheet once a year to somewhat more objectively chart our growth. But this isn’t necessary. It’s being realistic with our definitions. If I consider myself to be someone who is insecure in their words, then I need to be able to find recent examples within my life. If all the memories that are stirred are from years ago, then it is likely time to let that definition go.

Map Point. Am I the person I think I am?